My life really doesn't have any love in it, does it? Maybe chivalry really IS dead...

I realized that maybe I adore and appreciate women too much. I never lay a finger on them without permission for fear that I will ruin their perfect divinity. I never say an insulting thing about them, though I may say a dirty joke based on something they may have already said... but that is irrelevant. The point is, I'm literally the nicest and most loving person I have ever met; but no one ever wants to be with me. I would literally sell my soul for a girl to hold in my arms, just for the sake of holding someone in my arms. Even to just lay a head on one's shoulder would be enough. I always seem to share my feelings. I don't know any guy that does that. However, it has never gotten me anywhere. Perhaps, in reality, I must keep my feelings inside to have anything close to a girlfriend. Or maybe I have to lie about my feelings. Of course, I say all of this, but I forget one minor detail: I used the word "reality." This is a curse word in my personal vocabulary. Anytime it is mentioned, I recoil and my face cringes with disgust. Since I cannot hide my feelings, as men do in reality, and since women only seem to like men who lie or hide their feelings and completely disrespect them and don't treat them as the goddesses they are, then I must accept life without a woman. No, I'm not going gay. I could never love a disgusting male. I despise the natural tendencies of my sex. But anyway, I apparently must live a chaste life because no woman could ever love me the way that I can love her. I'm too strange. Even for the strange ones, I am too eccentric. It's a very, very depressing revelation; but a necessary one. I must try to maintain my proudly eccentric self without the necessity of love, because I cannot change who I am. You have no clue how depressed I am right now. Again, I must add: don't worry about this depression, because I cannot cut myself; never mind kill myself. I'm too squeamish to draw my own blood and I fear pain. I really hate my life right now. I almost wish I was normal. But normal is ridiculous because it lives in the horrors and ignorance of reality, and to be normal is to be ignorant, and I DO NOT WANT TO BE IGNORANT AGAIN. i left that road long ago. this new path, even without love, is infinitely better than that old path. I am literally holding back tears as I relinquish the idea of love. but it is necessary. Even if I find a girlfriend in this forsaken reality, it will never last. it never has lasted. No one can be with me unless they think like me, and no one thinks like me, therefore my point is again proven. I don't know why I can't stop writing. maybe I think someone will read this, but no one I know ever reads my DeviantArt journals. Even I ignore almost all journal entries that appear on the Messages page. But what the hell. If it will help fill this deep abysm where love used to be in my heart, then I will accept the option to write more. But I can no longer think of much more to write about. my mind is numb from the 4 hour bus trip back from New York. You'd think I'd be happy after a trip to the Metropolitan. But I guess not. Now I'm going to pretend to keep typing, but it will surely be gibberish. 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